Saint Anthony’s Statue

Morning coffee made using a ritual learned from your father
Washes down the pills you got from your mother
Your daydreams begin as you look through patio glass.

Blossoming trees, sparkling pool water, and well-kept lawns
A setting for the mournful Saint Anthony statue who looks on
As if he could see the happiness of loved ones buried below.

Pardoned and free, snuggled with a robe, and a cat on your lap
You find holy rest in the scriptures of gossip magazines
And in your professional accomplishments, validation.

Convicted, a needle slides into a man’s  arm to drip fire in the veins
The price to pay when seduced by little girl voices and choices
To sacrifice the lives of loved ones for our own happiness.

But only you will be happy, as you now make another sacrifice
Because my everything wasn’t enough to shake your guilt
Drugs settle in. You sleep and the statued saint receives another.

Suffering

Listening to "Birds of Paradise" by The Cult

I've gone through a transformation over the past few years, and it has been difficult. Saying that the journey is complete wouldn't be telling the whole truth, but to say my newfound strength and peace is incomplete isn't exactly right either. I think I've reached a place where the gaps in my life aren't nearly the catastrophe they would have been a few years ago. Being "content in all things and all seasons" is finally becoming a reality.

Malcolm Muggeridge once said the following about suffering:

"Supposing you eliminated suffering. What a dreadful place the world would be! I would almost rather eliminate happiness. The world would be the most ghastly place because everything that corrects the tendency of this unspeakable little creature, man, to feel over-important and over-pleased with himself would disappear. He's bad enough now, but he would be absolutely intolerable if he never suffered."

The places in our life where we are incomplete, find ourselves lacking, or are sources of suffering don't exist to destroy us, but if we let it, we can channel it as a source of humility. With this humility, we are finally able to reach out and connect through others with empathy, heal relationships where the needs of the other supersede our needs being met or winning an argument. Humility allows us to love others for who they are, not what they can do for us.

With love, comes sacrifice. You cannot say that you truly love someone and not be willing to sacrifice something for it; especially when you are loving someone for who they are and not what they can do for you. We are all familiar with the scripture I Corinthians 13:4-13 where the very definition of love is given to us and surprisingly, none of the characteristics depend on the response of the other. The scripture goes on to say when we are not striving for such love, we are like self-centered children. Finally we are shown if we do not strive for this type of love, its because we are blind to who we are and we travel in the opposite direction of perfection.

Like I said, I'm no where close to fully understanding this or walking it out; however, I do find a great deal of peace and strength from this. Also, I have been able to find healing and reconciliation in areas of my life I thought would never find resolution on this side of eternity. While it has been difficult, I am grateful for the suffering as I have earned strength and peace. I am grateful for life's lessons that have allowed me to have the humility to permit those I've wronged have their say and find healing in their life. Finally, I am grateful for this experience because it has taught me to love unconditionally and appreciate people for who they are.

Asleep

With what's left,
I rebuild alone.
A hand skilled
With no help.

Your work done
Life is quiet
Why trouble it
On my account

Go to sleep
Nestled with ghosts
Blanketed in regrets
And love disappears

Show and Tell

Kids keep secrets

Because they're taught

There's certain things

You shouldn't talk about.

But they do tell their story

Through relationships and addictions

Through negative life patterns 

Playing over and over.

Should we take some time

To explore the dark places in one's heart

To find a child tired of the show

And ready to tell?

Shaken Awake

Old friends came back
To interrupt my dreams
Where I lived my life
Amidst their screams.
I have to admit though
I didn't look bad
Until I remembered
All that I had.

Wasted and thrown away
No one really cared
As long as their feelings
And lies were spared.
Now their old friends
disturb their beds
To rouse them to
A life that's dead.

Dark Waters

While I was in the military, I used to take walks at night along the Atlantic shore, by myself, to get away from people for a while. At the time, I was a young guy experiencing true freedom, but at the same time, I was lost and felt connected to nothing. I remember taking my car to a secluded part of the beach and grabbing a backpack with a bottle of something to drink as I walked with my feet in the warm waters of the ocean.

On occasion, I would have the beach to myself, away from the tourists and the boardwalk - all alone. It would be dark, maybe around 11pm or so, and I would stop to look out into the water and see almost nothing.

On one occasion, there was no moon and very little light. I was encapsulated by blackness and the sound of the waves crashing in. I remember thinking how black everything was, the feeling of being the only person in the universe, and the strange urge to go into the water.

Stripping down to my shorts, I went to the water's edge. The water was warm and calm that night. I proceeded to go deeper into the ocean until I was just over waist deep. I sank into the salty water to float there, facing the east into the nothing, until the waves had carried me in to where my bottom was scraping off of the sand. I would then stand up and walk back out. I'd do this several times before returning to the beach.

The feeling of peace and calm was surprising since it was such an ill advised thing to do. I felt like I was floating in a dream while being wide awake and completely released from the world. The feeling of being connected to nothing was freeing. No matter what the dangers were or how wrong it was for me to venture into the waters like that, I felt completely at rest and at home there.

Direction

Blank space and empty,
Carried in plastic,
Buried in blue...
Left at the sun,
Go through two lights,
And arrive at lost.