I Love You Now Go Away

Take your time.

Figure it out.

I had to.

Now you do too.

For All You Scumbags Out There

This is for all of you who are screwups, like me. So, if you’re perfect, have your shit together, or have never done someone wrong, this is not for you. You will likely find what I’m about to say irrelevant or even offensive. Or maybe you will feel the need to share your lofty and infallible wisdom that would probably be beyond our ability to enact in our own lives. 

My brothers and sisters of ineptitude, let’s take a moment to reflect. Many of you have screwed up royally, bit the dust, screwed the pooch, duffed it, fallen flat, and so on. For many of us, this has been in the arena of relationships where we have hurt those close to us and maybe caused what seems to be irreparable harm. It has been my experience that this time of year becomes particularly difficult because it’s supposed to be an opportunity to experience loving moments with family. Yet, there is a chair that has been left empty by an estranged loved one or a card missing in the mail from a friend you once had.

To make matters worse, this time of year seems to magnify thoughts and feelings of depression. I spoke with someone in law enforcement recently who shared how this time of year is horrible when it comes to the number of suicides and how those numbers have dramatically risen over the last few years.  So when it comes to screwups like us, things can get pretty grim and heavy. This concerns me about my tribe.

In the past, I have made some profoundly stupid decisions that have hurt those I deeply care about and love. In the years since, I’ve done everything in my power to take responsibility and make amends. I’m happy (and humbled) by the healing that has taken place, the loving friendships that have been restored, and the growth that has occurred in my life as a result. Still, over seven years later there are holdouts. Even my recent issues with my health did not move the needle one iota towards forgiveness and restoration.

What I have come to realize is once you have taken responsibility, asked for forgiveness, and paid the price - there is nothing left to do. Just keep the door open and continue to love. Also, stop dragging yourself through the dirt. There comes a time where their decisions stop being your consequences and simply become their decisions and their consequences. When God has forgiven me, it is up to me to decide how long I want to carry the guilt for what has happened. I choose to not carry it any longer.

So should you.

Saint Anthony’s Statue

Morning coffee made using a ritual learned from your father
Washes down the pills you got from your mother
Your daydreams begin as you look through patio glass.

Blossoming trees, sparkling pool water, and well-kept lawns
A setting for the mournful Saint Anthony statue who looks on
As if he could see the happiness of loved ones buried below.

Pardoned and free, snuggled with a robe, and a cat on your lap
You find holy rest in the scriptures of gossip magazines
And in your professional accomplishments, validation.

Convicted, a needle slides into a man’s  arm to drip fire in the veins
The price to pay when seduced by little girl voices and choices
To sacrifice the lives of loved ones for our own happiness.

But only you will be happy, as you now make another sacrifice
Because my everything wasn’t enough to shake your guilt
Drugs settle in. You sleep and the statued saint receives another.

Suffering

Listening to "Birds of Paradise" by The Cult

I've gone through a transformation over the past few years, and it has been difficult. Saying that the journey is complete wouldn't be telling the whole truth, but to say my newfound strength and peace is incomplete isn't exactly right either. I think I've reached a place where the gaps in my life aren't nearly the catastrophe they would have been a few years ago. Being "content in all things and all seasons" is finally becoming a reality.

Malcolm Muggeridge once said the following about suffering:

"Supposing you eliminated suffering. What a dreadful place the world would be! I would almost rather eliminate happiness. The world would be the most ghastly place because everything that corrects the tendency of this unspeakable little creature, man, to feel over-important and over-pleased with himself would disappear. He's bad enough now, but he would be absolutely intolerable if he never suffered."

The places in our life where we are incomplete, find ourselves lacking, or are sources of suffering don't exist to destroy us, but if we let it, we can channel it as a source of humility. With this humility, we are finally able to reach out and connect through others with empathy, heal relationships where the needs of the other supersede our needs being met or winning an argument. Humility allows us to love others for who they are, not what they can do for us.

With love, comes sacrifice. You cannot say that you truly love someone and not be willing to sacrifice something for it; especially when you are loving someone for who they are and not what they can do for you. We are all familiar with the scripture I Corinthians 13:4-13 where the very definition of love is given to us and surprisingly, none of the characteristics depend on the response of the other. The scripture goes on to say when we are not striving for such love, we are like self-centered children. Finally we are shown if we do not strive for this type of love, its because we are blind to who we are and we travel in the opposite direction of perfection.

Like I said, I'm no where close to fully understanding this or walking it out; however, I do find a great deal of peace and strength from this. Also, I have been able to find healing and reconciliation in areas of my life I thought would never find resolution on this side of eternity. While it has been difficult, I am grateful for the suffering as I have earned strength and peace. I am grateful for life's lessons that have allowed me to have the humility to permit those I've wronged have their say and find healing in their life. Finally, I am grateful for this experience because it has taught me to love unconditionally and appreciate people for who they are.

Asleep

With what's left,
I rebuild alone.
A hand skilled
With no help.

Your work done
Life is quiet
Why trouble it
On my account

Go to sleep
Nestled with ghosts
Blanketed in regrets
And love disappears

Show and Tell

Kids keep secrets

Because they're taught

There's certain things

You shouldn't talk about.

But they do tell their story

Through relationships and addictions

Through negative life patterns 

Playing over and over.

Should we take some time

To explore the dark places in one's heart

To find a child tired of the show

And ready to tell?

Shaken Awake

Old friends came back
To interrupt my dreams
Where I lived my life
Amidst their screams.
I have to admit though
I didn't look bad
Until I remembered
All that I had.

Wasted and thrown away
No one really cared
As long as their feelings
And lies were spared.
Now their old friends
disturb their beds
To rouse them to
A life that's dead.